Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Drake has all the answers
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
