well I can't set my house on fire every night
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
