Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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