whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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