i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
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your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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