I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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