Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
