I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Someone came in the potted fern
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
