not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
