That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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