Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
