You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
