ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
