Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
