i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
