I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
