The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
