You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
