i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
