How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
