At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
