considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
