Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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