I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
3 2 1 whiskey
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
