she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm like, not good at living.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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