i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
