Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
