I cockslap morals
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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