I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
