you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
