It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
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