3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
