I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
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You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
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I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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