My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Dating After Heartbreak
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"