my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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