Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
the condom got lost in my hair
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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