Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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