I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
