I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
