my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Still dying that you shit outside
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
