i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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