Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
