sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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