My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
