I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
