why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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