i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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