Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
