Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
