Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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