Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
