I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
