i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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