I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just want to make out with him forever
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
