Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
