Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
