what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
