I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
