Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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