All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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