I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
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he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
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I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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