I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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