Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Randomize
