living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
